Once, long ago, before many of you were born (yesterday) there was a merry land and its merry inhabitants lived under their merry rulers, Lady Ariella and Lady Maura (who were not lesbians—do keep your sick fantasies to yourself). They were just and fair, and the land was prosperous and victorious in many battles. Until one day, a monster was created. Ariella and Maura paid a visit to a strange and foreign land, the Sav-on Drug Store, and returned with an artifact meant to bring joy and fulfillment to others, a magical mixture for pecan cakes. The completed magical brew would provide many hungry peasants with food. However, the pecan cake mixture was possessed by mysterious and mystical demons. Thus: The Pecan Beast was born.

Loathed by its creators and all it encountered, the Pecan Beast isolated itself in the land of the kitchen, feeding on small insects and stale breadcrumbs to survive. When at last the Pecan Beast attempted to swallow the lion of the land, Baron the Magnificent, it was decided that Lady Ariella and Lady Maura must set forth to vanquish the Beast. They rode to the land of the kitchen with high hopes for their land after the defeat of the monster, and longed for the bright and promising future.

They approached the Pecan Beast from behind, as it feasted on a nearby sink faucet, and Lady Maura declared battle by stabbing the creature with her perilous knife. The Beast screeched and hissed angrily, and attempted to bite Maura’s hand off. Lady Ariella tactfully distracted the Pecan Beast and lured him into the Land of the Garage, where the dangerous battle continued.

Lady Ariella plunged her silver spatula into the rough skin of the Pecan Beast, and the monster defended itself by squirting her with its entrails. They burned her, and, as Lady Ariella was no longer capable of fighting, Lady Maura took Ariella’s mighty weapon and, determined to remain victorious, thrust the spatula into the body of the Beast. The Beast roared, and attacked Maura's face viciously, but Maura bravely fought the creature off. She called the neighboring land for reinforcements, and soon, the beast was destroyed.